I've just had a nervous breakdown or Hebrews 13:2 moment.
Inspirations and indigestions can be difficult to distinguish.
Read Bainton's account of Luther's call to and from monasticism.
I'm just going to report the most transforming experience since being reborn about a decade ago.
Parenthetically, it completes the preface to Cave Canem.
I am now ready to begin what my pastor/professor friend in Florida prophesied pour moi.
My life and ministry will never be the same.
I have been increasingly frustrated by the meannesses, madnesses, megalomaniacs, and miseries of life in the modern world and church.
I have been increasingly edgy; transferring some of those feelings to family and friends.
I have felt like a failure as a husband, father, son, brother, friend, pastor, presbyter, and, uh, even golfer.
I have mourned old, new, and future sins.
Though never doubting forgiveness by the grace of God through faith in Jesus, I have wanted to quit life and ministry because I don't feel I've made a dent in the Devil's deceits.
I'm in debt, distracted by delusions, and part of a denomination increasingly distancing itself from Jesus as attested in Holy Scripture and upheld by its own constitution.
I've been pouring out and it's been trickling in.
I feel like a punching bag for pejorative pathologies; and some people only respond when they disagree or feel entitled to criticize.
A little girl said she liked the Son more than the Father.
When asked why, she said, "Because Jesus is God with skin on."
Is there anyone who does not tear up at the thought?
So I asked; and He answered.
So I sought: and He allowed me to discover.
So I knocked; and He opened the door.
The past 24 hours have been revelatory.
I have seen through the disguises and translated the tongues.
He has exposed their minds, hearts, and souls to me.
Then He turned to me.
He began slowly; prying from a campaign which was beginning to distract pastoral affections and effections.
He confirmed as subtlety as a Lightning Bolt sprint to victory; as a dear friend dropped in to say, "I hope this does not hurt our friendship; but people are saying you're talking too much about the building program."
He released me to laugh and rejoice: "Thank you for confirming what was confirmed. Let us rejoice together!"
We're closer now.
It always happens through Him.
The pace quickened with the calendar.
I've always been a slave to it.
I've felt like Groucho, "Hello! Good-bye! I must be going!"
Then he stopped me to save me.
I went to the hospital in the early morning because I had an early morning meeting before a middle morning worship service.
The hospital visits were to be quick because the meeting was to be long before the hour in the chapel.
My calendar was fixed and my spirit was paralyzed.
But the patients weren't in their rooms because they were in restricted areas for tests; so I went to the 2-3 hour meeting.
The meeting lasted 45 minutes.
I wanted to get back to the church with the unexpected time to plan for my next meetings; but a strangely warm compulsion to return to the hospital overwhelmed me.
The patients had returned to their rooms from their tests; and the conversations and prayers confirmed His compulsion.
Then I headed to the exit to stay on schedule; but did not make it.
She stood in front of the empty room, commanded my attention, and caused me to inquire, "How are you today?"
The answer: "You don't want to know what I did."
Instead of brushing her off with a gotta go for I had to go to stay on schedule, another warm compulsion overwhelmed me to say, "I do want to know."
I followed her into the room.
The room was so bright.
Everything seemed so...light.
"I tried to kill myself," she said.
I walked through the door.
The agenda was now set.
I could not retreat; and I was not anticipating the charge.
I am a more gifted than trained counselor if you know what I mean.
Yet it was she who ministered to me in short order in time stood still.
Her eyes did not blink as she talked in a tongue not known to me while massaging my spirit.
Before I left, she embraced me and kissed my cheek in holiness.
A warmth known to Wesley was now mine; and it stays as I try to recall what the apostle said is best left to sighs and groans.
I have not felt such peace...in a very, very, very long time.
The mind has cleared.
I am called to remain; but not as before.
Everything about Him is the same while so much about my approach to life and ministry has changed.
I am not called to lead but guide.
Enabling intimacy with Jesus.
I am in not before or looking after time.
I love now not sooner or later.
The angel kissed me with His affections alone.
The effect will be...
I don't know...for sure.
Incarnation of intimacy is hard to predict.
It is and will be and must be...different.
Prophecy more than warning was attached: "The warmth will remain as long as you do not exchange His intimacies for another's affections."
Discernments penetrate through prior shields.
Sensational yields to the simple.
Nothing more or less...until the next kiss.
Blessings and Love!