July 30, 2009

Kopp Disclosure
(John 3:19-21)

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Yesterday, I played the back nine of one of my two favorite local courses with my favorite Special Olympics World Golf Champion.

I hadn't played in nearly three weeks; and I did not play well.

I hit one of the most God-awful tee balls of my life on the 15th; and Billy said, "Pastor Bob, Pastor Bob, at least it's not in the woods!"

I hit one of the best drives of my life on the 16th; and Billy said, "Pastor Bob, Pastor Bob, that makes up for the last one!"

Metaphors.

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Speaking of metaphors, I'm learning a lot with Kopper at obedience school.

Our teacher says, "If your dog barks at you, don't give any treats to him, turn your back, fold your arms, and pay no attention to him until he behaves better."

He also says, "Don't praise your dog and give treats to him unless he does what's right."

Metaphors.

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A peer in Ohio is upset.

He's always wanted a convertible and finally has saved up enough $ to buy one; but one of the officers in his church said, "Your predecessor had one. He was forced out. Most of us think a convertible presents a bad image for our pastor. So you can't buy one."

While I'm probably not the best guy to address vehicular images, I counseled, "I can think of four reasons why you should buy one: (1) You want one and have enough $ to buy one; (2) You're almost as old as I am which means you could keel over at any moment; (3) Once you allow churchfolks to control any part of your life, they'll feel entitled to control all of your life; and (4) Churchfolks are always looking for something to banter and moan about when it comes to their pastors; so I think you should buy one and give them something to talk about before they come up with something else to banter and moan about it."

Metaphors.

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That same peer wrote back on 7/13/09 just before I left for vacation: "There are three categories of pastors: (1) The professionals who don't really give a ___ about parishioners but just want to feed ego and pile up pension credits; (2) The real pastors who really engage and invest their lives for parishioners despite the pain and setbacks; and (3) Those who were #2 but were hurt so deeply by irregular and demon-possessed parishioners that they master #1 to survive until retirement."

Whoa.

He wrote yesterday, "Stop ___ing about people forgetting your 30th ordination anniversary. Wait until your 33rd; so they can really crucify you! Besides, you keep talking so much about your age counting time in the womb because God does that no one can ever figure out your calendar!"

He went on, "You like CCR. I always knew you had a soft spot for gays! Nevertheless, I'm glad you're back in town. Ever since you decided to get back on a chrome pony, you have been writing with more freedom and less anger. You're right. I should buy a convertible. Don't wait so long between vacations! You get four weeks for vacation and two weeks for study leave every year. Use them! I know nobody in your church really cares about your 365/24/7 work habits anyway. You should take two days off every week! It's like you say, 'When I die, they'll have ham and cole slaw in fellowship hall, elect another pastor search committee right after the interment, and then tell my family to get out of the manse in a month.' You give them enough of yourself and from your family to take off a week every two months. Ride the mule! Get your bride to ride with you! It will free her up too! I'm still in bondage! Your freedom for life and ministry inspires me!"

Metaphors.

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Two more from vacation.

The Navy was supposed to scramble F-16s along the South Carolina shore on 7/24 for anti-terrorism exercises. They cancelled because of the threat of thunderstorms. There were no thunderstorms along the SC shore on 7/24. Just a threat. Psst. Please don't tell terrorists that our military will only scramble to protect us weather permitting.

Remember Swine Flu? PBHO cured that. Uh, not so fast! CDC experts now say several thousands of us could die if their vaccine campaign fails. They say up to 40% of us could get it this year and next! Well, at least we can count on our government for health care reform.

Metaphors.

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Blessings and Love!

Kathie has just posted new stuff on www.koppdisclosure.com!!!