Though I smoked pot during the last half of my senior year in high school and gave it up shortly thereafter because I was spending too much $ at Burger King and on Hendrix albums, I never needed acid or peyote because my mind has always been bent enough.
But as I watched Tiger's big press conference from the PGA Tour Media Center in sunny Florida a few hours ago from my tundra-region study in Illinois, I thought someone had dropped something into my Arizona Diet Green Tea with Ginseng 'cause I feel like I'm trippin', man!
I haven't seen such a scripted, staged, insincere, and awkward moment since one of my homiletics students tried to paraphrase an old Spurgeon sermon.
There were handlers' fingerprints all over that fellah; and nobody's gonna buy those stilted rather than warm fuzzy hugs with everybody but the PGA commish which has gotta mean something that someone will, uh, disclose.
Well, God knows you know everybody's gonna be speaking and writing on this for a while; so I thought I'd drop some acid, uh, I mean lines, uh, I mean comments of my own before reading the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth as others imagine it to be.
Speaking of reactions, did you catch Gloria Allred who had her own scripted, staged, insincere, and slightly less awkward moment with Tiger-jilted porn star Veronica Siwik-Daniels nano-seconds after Tiger exited through the royal blue curtains and back to some rehab joint punctuated with Buddha statues?
I wanted to puke; especially as Gloria and Veronica held hands and hugged and wept and...
Barf me with a spoon!
She's a porn star who knew Tiger was married with two kids and...
Not even those five inch fake eyelashes accentuated by her grade school RCish uniform dark skirt and, uh, unintentionally/intentionally suggestive blouse blurred the fact of what she did/does for a living which doesn't evoke tons of sympathy for her cries of being pursued, used, and dumped like a $5 hooker in Juarez.
Help me, Jesus!
She's in a profession strikingly similar to Veronica's; servicing whoever's writing the checks.
Does anyone really think any of these characters ain't on the make?
Three of yesterday's predictions (literally) are swirling in my noodle.
First, in a conversation with Foxy SH, Ms. Cupp (pictured above) said, "I don't need anything like an apology from Tiger Woods. He owes that to his family...Why would you believe him when he says he is sorry?...Tiger is a serial liar who has covered up for years. If he had any conscience, he would not have gone to sex rehab, he would have gone to church. That is where he should be!"
Go Brit, uh, I mean Tiger!
Second, my dad (no picture) wrote, "Rumor has it that PGA players will be stationed outside the building where Tiger is to make an appearance. Their job will be to wait to see if he will return to the tour. This will be indicated by the appearance of gray smoke. MSNBC and Katie Couric will follow up on tips that GWB is to blame for Tiger's behavior."
Are you telling me that this is all about sponsorships, endorsements, and $?
Third, a preacher in Ohio: "This reminds me of the time my wife asked if I loved her enough to die for her. I said, 'No. Mine is an undying love.'"
If Tiger lied to Veronica along with the other 328 babes that he pursued and, or, uh, whatever, how can we be sure that he wasn't lying today?
Did you notice how he seemed to be reading posture and body language notes while speaking so stutteringly for someone who's usually so fluent: "Now look straight into the camera like you've practiced for two weeks...Now sound angry when you talk about people saying Elin whacked you with a nine iron...Now shed a tear or look like you're trying to shed one...Now hug the babes after mom but no full frontals because, uh, well, you know...Man-hug the men but nothing to indicate, uh, something that will make 'em look into the steroids thing and..."?
Did you notice how he apologized to wife, kids, mom, dad, Finchem, all Americans, global fans, illegal aliens, aliens from outer space, and Buddha buuuuuuuut not a nod of regret to the babes, Accenture, or John Edwards?
If he's so confessional and repentant, why didn't he take questions or...?
Well, despite the obvious, I hope he really meant that stuff about being sorry and promising to overcome the past for something better in the future.
I feel especially sorry for the kids and Elin; but not the idolaters.
I pray all of the promises of 1 John 1:1-10 for him.
I'm getting ready to move a man with Alzheimer's this afternoon and thinking this whole thing seems even more complicated than the game that seems so incidental right now.
Blessings and Love!
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