Sunday, May 27, 2012

Suicidal Thoughts

Kopp Disclosure
(John 3:19-21)



    Tony was talking to me about suicide because he was honest enough to admit...

    I recalled the conversation during a very bad week because it's been a long time since...

    Anyway, he said, "I'm not one of those judgmental types who think they're big enough to determine who goes to heaven and who goes to hell."

    Tony and I have always believed that's God's business; or as the first African-American elder of Winston-Salem, North Carolina's First Presbyterian Church said to me just after her ordination/installation and not long before I was forced out rightly/wrongly (both), "You love 'em and let God judge 'em."

    We take C.S. Lewis' approach; telling people how to get to heaven and live heavenly before heaven instead of telling people that we know for sure that they're going straight to...

    Revelation 3:20ff.

    Well, I'll never forget him saying, "I've got this idea that God welcomes people into heaven who have committed suicide like this: 'I know it was too tough for you down there.  It was almost too tough for me.  Welcome home!'"

    While I'm like Tony in that I'd never say who's going to hell for sure despite all indications to the certainty - especially those who love Jesus by hating everybody else - Tony's inspiration/indigestion has always sounded a lot more like Jesus than those who've articulated/demonstrated their unforgivable sins in addition to the only one ever mentioned by Jesus if you know what He means.

    Matthew 12:31-32.


    I almost gave up last week.

    I've had a hard time getting over being verbally/profanely assaulted by a Pony Baseball League player's mom with the most hateful/murdering eyes that I'd seen since I asked a Congressman why he kept running for office if he believed in term limits.  Really, if she could have killed me on the spot and gotten away with it, I have no doubts that I'd never have to entertain suicidal thoughts again.  Simply, I haven't been playing her son every inning of every game and ruining his chances to prove he's the next Mickey or Willie.  Psst.  He's one of the two worst players on the team. 

    Just one flea can make a big dog itch.  I'll leave it at that; knowing anybody who's ever hung around any kinda church for any length of time knows what I'm talking about.

    I feel like I'm bleeding to death as a...

    I'm tired of excuses for...

    I've dropped several hints at my favorite HD dealership about trading my windshield for...

    My golf game has gone straight to...

    While I'm used to writing non-best-selling books, I thought for sure that...

    My publisher, authors, and sister keep encouraging me: "It's only been out for five months for crying out loud!"

    But I am crying out loud!

    My last royalties check was $49.52. 

    My first one was $24.92.

    How the heaven am I supposed to reincarnate/trade Return into/for an Electra Glide Ultra Limited missionary/mule when I'm only...?

    Yeah, I didn't write it for the $ - a good thing - but I was hoping for a few coins to pay off some debts, help some friends/family, and upgrade that pony for missionary/recreational use as called/needed.

    I feel like a repository for anyone/everyone who wants to banter and moan about anyone/everyone/anything/everything.

    I'd like to hear just one positive comment about...

    People can't seem to help themselves from being angry, anal, bitter, biting, divisive, separating, segregating, schismatic, and...

    I'm tired of being their scapegoat and transferred target of their pathologies.

    People have become so my-way-or-the-highway-fold-my-tent-pick-up-my-marbles-and-go-home and sooooooo irregular, irascible, and irreconcilable.


    Don't you know what's going on?

    Do you have it sooooooo much worse than children in war-torn countries?

    Are you that spoiled and entitled?

    I know you want your deodorant to keep you dry all day long; but aren't there more important...?

    Are you that myopic, ego-centered, prideful, tunnel-visioned, arrogant, condescending, and...?

    O.K., enough about me.

    But what about you?

    Even Kopper bit the hand that sneaks the kinda goodies to him that he really likes.

    And the Yankees suck this year.

    I had a very, very, very bad week.

    It almost killed me before I could do it.


    Then I played golf with Billy and watched a film about Carla Faye Tucker Brown.

    Billy is my favorite Special Olympics World Golf Champion.  We play about 18 holes a week. 

    CFTB is the murderer who was born again in prison.  If you don't know about her, find out.  You'll be...

    Well, while I never toss clubs or curse even after really, really, really God-awful shots, Billy has this sense about him/Him; and knowing I was struggling, he said, "Just keep working at it.  It'll get better.  I know you can play better.  We've got time before our next tournament."

    He's right.

    He said that about eight hours before I watched that film about CFTB.

    Here's a clip.



    I've never come close to committing suicide; despite not wearing a helmet which is my way of giving hope to enemies.

    Yeah, to be honest, the demon seed has been planted on occasion by the enemy; but while I'm just scratching the surface of my relationship with Jesus, I am close enough to get over that kinda hellishness rather quickly.

    Let me be clear.

    I don't overcome such deadly thoughts because it would be a permanent solution to temporary problems.

    I don't overcome such deadly thoughts because things get better around me. 

    Things are getting more and more and more awful around all of us; and if you don't think/admit that, then you're still stoned or taking too much St. John's Wort.

    These are, after all, the last days when that kinda stuff gets worse.

    I don't overcome such deadly thoughts because I get lots of hugs; though the ones that I do get are more and more and more appreciated.

    I overcome through Jesus.

    I overcome because the closer that I get to Him, the easier it is to overcome the nutballs and navelgazers and naughty and...

    Of course, if you're even remotely related to Him, you know what I mean; and the closer, the better and more, uh, overcoming.

    That's why His hang in.

    He resurrects.

    The big one comes after the last breath.

    But the littler ones before then are really, really, really...reanimating.

    Again, if you're into Him, you know what I mean.

    If not, stop killing yourself; and you can do that by turning to Him right now and inviting Him into your heart for the kinda surgery that really saves lives.



    Suicidal thoughts are always overcome by saving ones.

    It's a Psalm 37:25 thing.

    Look it/Him up and you'll never stay down too long.

    Sooner than later.

    Definitely in the end.


Blessings and Love!


Jim said...

Wow! EXCELLENT KD. You know, no one even had more reason to off himself than Jesus (His friends were all but terminally dense, his enemies, well they were more like the descendants of Abraham, that is beyond counting, than the descendants of Abraham. And, knowing the manner of death he would face, he surely could have found an easier way to leave this life behind). But he hung in there all the way until he, if you'll excuse the expression, was hung out on the cross. What has kept me from transforming terminal thoughts into terminal action is talking with him. Jesus, knowing the way I think/feel, always asks me, "What part of 'bearing your cross daily' made you think this life would be pie a' la mode 24/7? Remember that your worst moments/hours/days with me are better than your best moments/hours/days without me."


John said...

My father, a Princeton Seminary graduate and Presbyterian pastor, was hospitalized for severe depression in the early sixties at the Menninger Clinic. The psychiatrists asked him many times if he thought about suicide. He always told them he had not, although he told me that at the depth of his depression the only prayer he could pray was, "Lord, help me keep my faith." So his depression was very real.
The last time they asked him that question he replied, "No, my life is not mine to take. Jesus Christ purchased it at too high a price." They never asked him that again.