KDs are designed/developed/inspired/mused/auto-suggested/indigested to make folks think; an especially uncommon experience among Democrats, Republicans, and jingoistic mainline denominationalists who continue to discourage dissent with their ever-threatening thought police.
If you don't believe that, talk to
an Obama, Clinton, or Trump idolater.
Not many cigar snobs are into the
first two because they're such ___s; and while we think Trump needs to burn his
cellular and zip up his pants, we appreciate a patriot in the While House for a
change who ain't a part of the DNC and GOP elitist bourgeoisified mob.
Parenthetically, you've probably
figured out cigar snobs have brass ones or they couldn't read these alerts;
meaning if you are receiving this, you are among a very select group of folks
trusted in proximity to the back porch. It means I don't think you're a
politically correct moron who's always looking for some reason to feel morally
superior to someone else as if Paul never scripted Romans 3:23-24 and 7:13ff.
BTW, listening to Obama, Clinton,
and Trump talk about ethics is like listening to the Pope say Rome won't cover
up for their molesters anymore. Right.
If you believe that, you also believe they've got really good security around
their child care centers and other religious conditioning institutions.
Listening to any of the aforementioned talk about any of the preceding is like
trusting mainline Protestants with Biblical Christology. I don't think so.
How's that for a segue?
You say potato, I say...
Though cigar snobs are mostly on the
same page about lots of stuff, palates differ and my preferences may not be
The one thing we all share is this:
"Life is too short to smoke turds!"
So here's my top five list for
1. Eiroa the First 20 Years (6X60)
Introduced to moi by Barry at
Oregon, Illinois' Bad Ash Cigars - and if you're within 200 miles and don't
make a pilgrimage, you're missing out on knowledge, atmosphere, best
ventilation in the winter, and even wisdom on occasion - this baby, hold on
now, the biggest and baaaaaaadddddddest of the line, matches my idolatry of the
Habanos Hecho en Cuba Cohiba
Behike. Of course, the last Behike to grace my tasties was given to me by
my favorite mayor of all time on Christmas 2017. So maybe some hyperbole
here. It's pricey and makes it difficult to keep up with truck payments pero it's worth every penny!
2. LegendArio Bertha (6X60)
If you haven't guessed by now, the
60 ring/diameter is best for draw and full flavor of your favorite
fumas. This puppy is consistently on the top of my humidor for quick
hits. Funny how I don't like most of the Camacho catalogue but the first
two of my top five have family roots in Camachoville. Life is
complex. Just ask Bruce Jenner. Anyway, this may be the most cost
effective dang good fuma available. Another quick note. Size
matters no matter what isn't happening in some marriages. Aside from draw
and full flavor, cigar snobs also rate fumas by how long they take to burn to
the fingers; unless, of course, you're one of those bourgeoisified elitists who
toss away $ by lighting up a two-hour stick and then tossing it because you
only had 45 minutes to enter nirvana.
3. Alec Bradley Tempus Centuria
There are so many good sticks in
this brand. While I usually favor something with a Maduro wrapper, this
is a keeper.
4. Arturo Fuente Hemingway the Short
One of the best short 45 minutes and
maybe up to an hour around. Hemingway was off and so are we. Good
match. When ordering, don't be surprised if you have to back order.
Worth the wait. Straightforward. No frills. No fancy. Just a
heavenly Hemingway ride.
5. La Gloria Cubana Wavell (5x50)
and Series R Black (6x60)
Tie. While the former is from
the DR and the latter is a Nicaraguan puro, both are righteous.
Yeah, my humidor has a few others;
but these are my go-2s when I want to be sure of satisfaction.
Those of yu'uns who hit the back
porch on occasion know I'm into Avanti's Parodi line and like to infuse the
Kings with B&B. Most blessed to draw on 'em claim they are on their
top whatever list and I especially like 'em as chasers for the top five or when
I've only got 30 minutes or less to chill out. I lost my connect at
Avanti in Scranton, Pennsylvania who used to dump some seconds my way for
cookin' sooooooo I
pick up some retails in Wilkes-Barre when visiting family.
Subject: Cigar Snobs Alert from the Back Porch (22)
Dang, I'm having a hard time with my
Winter is the toughest time to keep
the humidity levels where they should be to preserve one of our Lord's greatest
resources entrusted to us.
Scroll down to #10 on humidors.
It's a battle around this time of
Another battle around this time of
the year is butane lighters. So fickle! After scrolling down to #21
for a refresher on 'em, I've reached the conclusion that I've gotta keep some
Bics and wooden igniters around because butanes are as dependable as Congress
when it comes to getting the job done.
Though I'm trying to pay off Uncle
Sam (my truck's name) before the parousia and postponing one of those more
exotic electrical humidors that I hear do the trick, I just ordered some of my
favorites (new and old):
- Eiroa the First 20 Years
Introduced to me
by Barry down at Bad Ash Cigars - scroll down to #s 19 and 20 for more on a
"must go" for cigar snobs - this, gulp, sigh, geez, whoa,
is right up there
with the Habanos Hecho en
Cuba Cohiba Behike. As I told one of my favorite coaches
at the Mike Hearn visitation - we'll call him
that's his name - it's orgasmic. He kinda recoiled at that description;
but it's true. Christian Eiroa and his family bought Camacho
in 1995 and have
produced this line of premium fumas.
- Legendario Bertha
Packman, Wingman, and BC know all about this puppy. For a snob like me
who doesn't advocate most of the Camacho catalogue, this
is a consistent
keeper. It's one of the best finger-burning-full-flavor-no-sangria-effect
- Arturo Fuente Hemingway the Short
While I tend to
Maduro wrappers, the golden Cameroon gives new definition to smooth and silky.
A really good 45 minute drift into nirvana in
Christian kinda way.
- Alec Bradley Tempus Centuria Natural
AB's got so many
good selections out there pero
this one's at the top of my list. Just gets better and better
and better with each draw.
While I've lost my connect at Avanti
in Scranton, Pennsylvania for seconds, I still picked up some Parodi Kings
while visiting my parents, sister, et.al. after Thanksgiving (go to www.koppdisclosure.com for more on
that) and I'm about to cook 'em with B&B for one of the best and most
economical puros around.
La Gloria Cubana Wavell sticks are
still high on my list; pero got
those payments and Santa's shopping list.
Subject: Cigar Snobs Alert from the Back Porch (21)
1. If you're within a 100 or so and
haven't parked at Bad Ash Cigars in Oregon, Illinois, you're missing out on the
best atmosphere, attitudes, attention, ventilation, and everything else
important to cigar snobs;
2. Speaking of BAC, they've got my
new favorite: "Eiroa the First 20 Years." Awesome! It's a
box-pressed Honduran puro that approaches the creaminess of a Habana Cohiba
Behike that tantalizes the taste buds and burns the prints off your
fingers. I've drawn on two. With a new cage in the barn, I ain't
gonna be buyin' anytime soon; pero when I do, the Robusto size (5X50) was so
over the top outstanding that I'm going to draw on the Gordo version (6X60); and
Subject: Cigar Snobs Alert from the Back Porch (20)
Yeah, it's been another long,
since the last CSAFTBP.
People die without
consulting our calendars; and we've been having more funerals on the
corner of Lincoln and Main than DNC-enabled hysterics to turn America into
a third world banana non-republic.
Before I forget, if you haven't
taken the hint and gotten your, uh, palate down to Bad Ash Cigars in Oregon,
Illinois, you're forfeiting an uncommon CS experience of expertise, fraternity,
faith, patriotism, and...all of the good things of the best of our culture.
BTW, ask Barry for his "souped
up" Ashton that's a house special. It's already a top-fiver pour
Getting back to funerals, I buried
Paul Dixon when he died of cancer at 41.
I was 41 when I buried him.
Do the math.
Actually, I was one month older.
Unlike today when I bury lots of folks
that are younger than yo, it was pretty sobering for a guy like me who hadn't
yet come to grips with Bob Seger's Like
He was an elder, Marine in Vietnam,
and research tech for PPG industries in Pittsburgh.
Like Fleming who couldn't putt to
save his life but sank a 30-footer on the last hole of his last round, Paul, a
10-15 handicapper, finished even during his last round; which means I'll be
ambivalent if I ever break par again.
Though I tried to get him to switch
to Cubans because he wouldn't have to inhale and CSs don't smoke anyway because
it's a legendary, historical, artistic, and scientific hobby and culture, he
smoked over two packs of those homogenized-bleached-chemically-infused cancer
sticks a day and often quoted Mark Twain, "I can quit anytime I want to
quit and I know that because I've quit a thousand times."
While dying in the smoking section
of the hospital's big C ward - Yep, you heard that right! Had 'em back
then! - I said, "I didn't know you could smoke in this part of the
hospital." His roommate who was toking on a stick at the time
laughed when he snuffed, "Sure. We won't get cancer. We've
already got that."
As a man of faith, he faced
eternity...unafraid...and could joke about the meantime.
Paul, however, like his namesake,
had one terribly gripping flaw in his life.
Well, I'll recount an apocalyptic
moment with him to explain.
He had a wonderful fiancé Dawn after
a wonderful fiancé ___ after a wonderful fiancé ___ after a wonderful fiancé
___ after a...
Catch the drift?
When I asked why he never married
any of his wonderful fiancés, he confessed, "I could never be faithful to
any of them. I have a wandering eye. I love women - all shapes and
sizes and ages and hair color and... So I figured I better not get
married and hurt people that I love."
Read 1 John 1.
It was one of the most refreshingly
honest conversations that I've ever had.
I don't have many refreshing
conversations with mainliners and other religious types.
In a world where people are always
making excuses and inventing rationalizations for their bad behaviors and
blaming somebody else or poor potty training rather than owning up and taking
responsibility for their bad behaviors and going to the foot of the cross in
confession and repentance for forgiveness, it was so refreshing to hear someone
say they had @#$%ed up, were @#$%ing up, and probably would keep @#$%ing up and
would always need Jesus to save them by grace through faith.
There's nothing original about sin;
and, thankfully, the forgiveness of God is always fresh and available by grace
through faith in Jesus.
O.K., the stretch.
Just as Paul couldn't be monogamous
about marriage, I can't be monogamous about fumas.
I've got my favs as you can read
below with Barry's house special inching to the top while not yet in striking
distance of anything authentically labeled Cohiba Habanos hecho en Cuba totalmente a mano.
While God's love through grace,
mercy, and forgiveness will cover Paul's...and our...infidelities, I just can't
be faithful to one fuma.
So many choices; and except for
Cubans, so much that's available.
Subject: Cigar Snobs Alert from the Back Porch (19)
It's been a while.
I've just been slammed with high
maintenance types who are OCD about their deodorants keeping 'em dry all day
long and Prince Charles walking the babe down the aisle along
with saints who keep going back home to Jesus without consulting my
Anyway, I just spent some time at
Bad Ash Cigars in Oregon, Illinois with Judge, Packman, and Sheepdog.
Open since January 2018, it's
Barry, the main man on campus, may
be the most knowledgeable as well as customer friendly cigar snob that I've
ever met; and while most fuma lounges are as dark, dank, cloudy, and cluttered
as an opium den in the Middle East or Rockford, BAC is the most pleasingly
ventilated, climate-controlled, and appealing oasis of the culture that
I've experienced since, uh, the back porch.
With a great selection, gentle
pricing, and totally winsome attitude and atmosphere, it's worth the trip(s).
Judge, Packman, and Sheepdog plan to
park their ponies in that barn throughout the summer and...
Subject: Cigar Snobs Alert from the Back Porch (18)
I must be missing something.
After over four decades of
counseling mostly frustrated males whose wives have lost interest in you know
who/what in direct violation of 1 Corinthians 7 that, surprisingly, even
evangelical, fundamental, and Pentecostal women seem to ignore more than
"unchurched" women flirting with the dark side, I'm always stunned by
wives rarely though increasingly husbands who can't figure out why
their husbands are gettin' what they ain't gettin' at home from someone
Actually, a very conservative
Christian woman once said to me, "Obviously, Paul said that about
sex. He's a man."
So much for Biblical
I won't even bring up my favorite
book in 8th grade sandwiched between Ecclesiastes and Isaiah.
There are lots of people who say
they follow Jesus by the book as long as He agrees with 'em.
Look at mainline denominations as
the poster child of that horizontal theology.
Uh, anyway, that's why I must be
missing something with the plethora of those ED ads.
Who the heaven needs that stuff
because from what I hear...?
Well, the preceding is supposed to
be a segue to re-hydrating fumas.
If you've neglected the counsel in
#10 or a well-meaning-non-snob has given a fuma as brittle as Comey's ego to
you, here are a few tips on massaging 'em back to life:
1. First, remember, in a Roberta
Flack kinda way, it'll never be as good as it was when receiving meticulous and
2. Don't let 'em, uh, get, uh, dry
in the first place;
3. Disregarding previous
metaphorical references in this alert, never do anything that will cause your
fuma to get wet because that could lead to mold and mold is the VD of tobacco;
4. Put 'em in a freezer bag
with drenched cloths - don't let 'em touch through the night like some
wives who... - until they pass the pinch test;
5. I've heard some snobs put 'em in
an open freezer bag - pero steam
not liquid, uh, reinvigorates the stick - on a shower shelf and keep showering
with 'em until they're, uh, moistening;
6. When you buy 'em, put 'em in a
humidor and pay attention to the tips in #10; and
7. Don't forget it's a slow process
to, uh, uh, uh,...
Tautologically, fumas require
constant attention to stay up to the standards of cigar snobs like us.
Subject: Cigar Snobs Alert from the Back Porch (16)
Some people are just ignorant.
You know what I mean.
The train of common sense and
courtesies has left the station and they ain't on it.
Victims of poor potty training or
just being a few fries short of a happy meal or something, they're easy to spot
because they're so dang, uh, ignorant.
They don't take off their hats in
restaurants, please and
thank you aren't
in their vocabs, the ladies before gentlemen ethic is as alien to them as
appeal when it comes to Joy Behar, and they belch, fart, and pick their noses
Then there's cellular harassment.
Talk about ignorant buttwads.
At a recent funeral in our church,
cellulars went off several times and interrupted the service.
miscreants were former members of the church who giggled when their
opiod substitutes went off which reminded me that they were/are so ignorant
that I had to take the church away from them and give it back to Jesus
because they are so dang, uh, ignorant.
Really, the family and friends of
the dearly departed don't want to hear somebody's ringtone
of "Goodbye, Earl!" or "This is the End" or
"Sweet Home Alabama" during a reading of Psalm 23; and it's rather
gauche to hear "Send in the Clowns" or "Why Don't We Do It In
the Road" or "Let's Give Them Something to Talk About" during
weddings; though I can just see behind the smiles of some brides as they're
singing to themselves in remembrance of "romance" that often
ends during vows at the steps of the chancel, "This will be the last
time. This will be the last time. May be the last time I don't
That last quote is from the Stones
if you're ignorant.
ignorant doesn't mean you're going to hell. It just means you bring
a lot of it into the lives of those around you and you should dust it off
and memorize Matthew 7:12.
So here are a few tips on
etiquette for cigar snobs like us.
1. Don't smoke in a cage with the
windows up unless you didn't want to take your spouse along in the first place.
2. Only really, really, really cheap
SOBs bring their own fumas into cigar lounges and light 'em up without dropping
a dime in the shop.
3. Unless you don't mind
a condescending cigar snob thinking you're Anderson Cooper's new boy toy,
hold your cigar between your index finger and thumb and not between your index
finger and middle finger.
4. If you bite off the end of your
favorite fuma in front of Anderson Cooper, you may get a puff if you know what I mean; pero
everybody else will think you're about as cultured and clean as Miley Cyrus or Ashley Judd.
5. Don't Monica Lewinsky your
cigar. That may be fine on a date but looks gross on the back porch and
freaks out Pauline and Freudian influenced guys.
6. Cigar holders are like
condoms. They may work but slow and cut down on the pleasure.
7. Don't crush and mutilate your
fuma in an ashtray when you're done. Just let it die a natural
death...like republican democracy and churches in America.
8. Unless you've got enough for
everybody, don't say you're about to ignite a Cuban Cuban. It's like saying you're
gettin' some when you know your buds ain't and you force 'em to break the 10th.
9. Even if you think it's a turd,
don't say it's a turd while someone is smokin' one and appearin' to like
it or gave it to you.
10. Gentlemen give cigars as gifts
and always bring enough to share. I was going to say something about the
late 60s and 70s pero,,,
11. If it ain't yours, don't stick
it up your nose like a crack head or anything related to #5.
12. Scorning the taste buds of
somebody else is like comparing your spouse to...
Yeah, I've read Emily Post and she
has a lot of good things to say about a lot of stupid stuff; like, you
know, how to conduct yourself in a restaurant and eat like a fag. BTW, if
you look at pictures of her and read about her life with any telepathy, you'll
swear her children prove the virgin birth of Jesus.
Anyway, Churchill may have said it
best about etiquette: "The best argument against democracy is a five
minute conversation with the average voter."
Subject: Cigar Snobs Alert from the Back Porch (15)
Preface before poll.
Because I preside at so many
funerals, I'm not into postponing.
Moretheless, while I've always thought February is the invention
especially after reading Revelation 42:66, my upper-octogenarian dad recently
caught my attention when I was bantering and moaning about this annually
wretched mistake in creation and wishing it were over: "Son, enjoy every
day because you never know..."
Someday everybody will return from
the funeral but you or me.
So I'm not into postponing.
Counseling one of the few peers left
if you know what I mean, he
asked what I do to relax.
He knows I never take a day off unless I'm out of town and
rarely work under...
I told him that it used to be...
Then I recalled Twain who said he
preferred cigars to...because they last longer and don't talk back.
Anyway, I talked about OBEs in
worship and prayer, visiting family in Pennsylvania, listening to my sons
and wife more than less, playing
9 with Billy, riding Return2 with my brothers, driving a truck for the short or
long haul, and combusting fumas with...
I've counseled some wives who
complain about their husbands who take regular visits to Cuba; and I've said
it's because they haven't taken enough trips with 'em to the tune of Solomon's
song with added lyrics by the aforementioned Twain.
So here's the poll.
If an angel or its boss told you
that the roll had been called up yonder pour vous, what would be resting
between your index finger and thumb on the back porch?
Yeah, I'll get to it; though I will
be talking about "Common Courtesies" via Matthew 7:12 on Sunday
at 7:20 or 9:50 in the sanctuary or via www.bnnsradio.com
Subject: Cigar Snobs Alert from the Back Porch (14)
I was going to write about
etiquette; but then I watched CNN, NBC, MSNBC, ABC, Fox, and CBS juxtaposed to
some print rags after Trump's State of the Union and figured I'd be too tempted
to say some really naughty things about Nancy, Charles, Anderson, Rachel,
Chris, Maxine, Frederico, Turbin,
John, Jeff, and...
Really, are they the poster children
for @#$%holes or what?
What did Trump call those
ungrateful-filthy-rich-for-playing-kids'-games guys who wouldn't stand for
the national anthem?
Reminds me of our social-engineering
antagonists who inspire recollection of a conversation between two famous
shrinks who would recommend committal for 'em all.
While watching Freud smoke a fat
one, Jung chirped, "Sigmund, you've said cigars are phallic symbols."
Freud: "You're right; but
they're also cigars."
Parenthetically, ask yourself,
"Who reminds you more of our founding mothers and fathers? 44 or
Ever read about 'em?
Ever read 'em?
You'll discover 45 not 44 or 43
or 42 or 41 is more like Adams, Hamilton, Franklin, et al than any of those spinelessly femininized
We're living in the real world
with real dangers and it takes more than knowing how to lead a rap group
on the South Side of Chicago to preserve life, liberty, and the pursuit of
Anyway, two CSs have been telling me
to turn this into a subscription blog.
Check sales for my books.
They've also told me along with two
- and I mean exceptionally manly male clergy who really get undershepherding in the
spirit of Psalm 23 and Matthew 10:16 and wonder what the anything but heaven is
happening to the BSA and its previous commitment
to manly men transforming boys into men, disciples, and
citizens - that I should start selling my cooked Parodi Kings (about 4+
inches with somewhere around 34 ring gauge).
Really, think about it.
even generate enough dinero to
dump Buddha for a 150.
Do you know how many fumas that I'd
have to sell to, uh, almost anything?
That's why I assume the gentleman's
approach to my cooked babies.
I present them as gifts; but more on
that when I get to etiquette if not still POed at the idiots in the DNC, GOP,
print and screen media.
First things first.
You saw my 2017 ratings (12).
If not or you don't remember, scroll
down and note the last few words: "...and my go-to-cook-my-own
No one puts out better
cigars as cost-effectively as the Avanti Cigar Company of Scranton,
Anyone who has ever lit a Parodi
knows what I'm talking about and everyone who has been blessed with my very own
infused recipe has asked for more and even offered to pay bigger $ for 'em.
While I like an occasional Drew
Estate infused fuma, I'm not really into candy canes and neither are my closest
CSs; however, all of 'em covet more of my babies.
Parenthetically, let me tell you
I grew up in NE Pennsylvania and
started smoking Parodi cigars when I was 19 without even knowing they have been
the favorites of iconic puffers like Frank Sinatra and Francis Ford Coppola
with the former heralding, "There are those who like the fresh outdoors;
but give me a room filled with Parodi smoke!"
Avanti has been blending the best
little 100% U.S. selected tobacco sticks since 1901 - an important or thereabouts date to
H-D idolaters - when Dominic Anthony and Frank Suraci came from Italy to set up
shop in Scranton and birth a legend.
Treat yourself to a trip through a
big part of fuma history along with a review of their selections and an
introduction to their unique process as the only producer of dry-cured cigars
in America using only American-grown tobacco from Kentucky and Tennessee by
clicking on www.avanticigar.com.
I think you can order directly from firstname.lastname@example.org or,
at least, you'll hear about pushers near vous.
Getting back to my coveted babies,
there are many ways to infuse a cigar.
Some just get a cookie sheet, dump
some turds on it for some kinda reincarnation, pour their favorite booze
on 'em, stack 'em in a plastic container or stuff 'em in a freezer bag,
let 'em sit until they're not dripping or too damp, and light 'em up.
Others take decent but not pricey
stogies, dip or drip or dab or douse or dunk 'em, stack 'em or stuff 'em, let
'em sit until they're not dripping or damp, and light 'em up.
I go to the mothership in Scranton
or Smokin' Joe's Tobacco in Wilkes-Barre when visiting the upper octogenarians,
pick up 50+ for under 50, dip each end in B&B, stack 'em in a Tupperware
rectangular, put a healthy shot in with 'em, let 'em sit for about three months
or until every drop of the precious nectar is absorbed by the fumas, and then
play gentleman and pass 'em out...while, of course, penultimately passing them
through my personal quality control chef (moi).
BTW, I smoked ___'s of Parodis long
before I infused 'em and
they're much better than most other higher priced cigars au naturale.
Yet, if some brothers are right and
I think they are 'cause I agree with 'em, my recipe takes 'em to the next
So, as Walter White would say,
Now that I'm feeling better and
can't wait to get to the back porch and crack open that Tupperware later today,
yeah, maybe etiquette next time.
Subject: Cigar Snobs Alert from the Back Porch (13)
Obviously, you're among a selected
few if you're getting these CSABPs; and I hope you forward 'em to those who
appreciate the culture with some sneaky theology between the lines.
I've been asked how I can be so, uh,
candid, confessional, confrontational, challenging, iconoclastic, snippy,
While I'm always eager to be
corrected by Jesus, Holy Scripture, and common sense - Even about the fumas! - I
also hope you never doubt my agape
that I pray and labor to express through grace, mercy, forgiveness,
and reconciling ambition.
Actually, once you've piled up as
many pension credits as I have, it's really quite easy to reverse Bob Seger's
chronology: "So you're a little bit older and a lot less bolder than you
used to be!"
When you've got as many pension
credits piled up as I do, there's not much that ecclesiastical superiors,
inferiors, subordinates, and other dolts can do to you.
Finally, I can really live how I
counsel young pastors and just about anybody else: "You're damned if you
do and damned if you don't. How liberating! If you're damned if you
and damned if you don't, you may as well do what you heaven well think is the
right thing to do according to Jesus by the book!"
On the local scene, because retirement
is for people who hate their vocations or aren't able to do it anymore for
emotional or physical challenges and make people around them as miserable as
they are becoming, I'd have no problems turning in the keys if the
church wanted somebody else with a warning that, for the most part with
exceptions to the rule that I wrote about in the most current www.koppdisclosure.com, millennials,
GenXers, and most baby boomers have the work ethic of blood hounds. I put
in at least 70 hours a week; and though I know I will never meet the
unrealistic expectations of some for a BFF, champion, paramour,
liberal/conservative bigot, or whatever the anything but heaven's on their
minds, yeah, go ahead if you think you can find someone who will love and care
for you better than moi.
That's not arrogant.
Of course, never take on the church
I keep telling young pastors and
male members/staff/officers to be careful with 'em.
Yeah, they talk too much and have
hyper-control needs and have this my-way-or-the-highway attitude about 'em; but
they work harder than the men in the church, always get things done, and pay
the bills. Besides, you don't have to argue with them about much because
they're always arguing among themselves.
So if you're still reading, let me
tell you something else about our snobby culture.
It's mostly a guy thing; but there
CSABPs are mostly for manly men and
those very, very, very few and decreasing #s of American women who still want
manly men in the chair, between the sheets, and in the lead rather than, uh, guys like Obama, Anderson,
Mitch, Lindsey, Joe, Chris, Michael, Marilyn Manson, and...
You know what I'm talking about; and
if you don't, you've been smoking more than fumas or overdosed on PC Kool-Aid.
So here's a CSABP truism for
CSs who can handle the truth with the colonel.
While there are female posers on
iron ponies and collared women in pulpits and hotties or notties lighting up
stogies to make whatever kinda Helen Reddy or Ashley Judd statement that's
igniting 'em, never underestimate the authentic women on bikes, in robes, and
settlin' in with a favorite fuma.
And, psst, let's be honest.
When you've got a woman who is
authentically riding and waxing and puffing and..., it's, uh, gulp, sigh,
be careful, don't say anything right now as the pendulum goes way left,
Subject: Cigar Snobs Alert from the Back Porch (12)
Life is too short to smoke turds.
So let's talk about ratings.
Like women, fumas come in all shapes
and sizes and colors and emotives; but the most important thing is taste.
Uh, like women, uh, gauge, length,
binder or wrapper or filler origins, or, uh, even price don't matter as much
as, uh, the, uh, satisfaction of the experience.
Probably the most sophisticated rating
system has been developed by CA; and though I really, really, really like the
rag, sometimes its ratings are subjectively if not suspiciously related to
It's like some churches.
Bigger givers get more attention.
It's the truth.
Ergo, let's give a pass to CA.
Still, let's start with another
Your treasure may be somebody else's
turd and vice versa.
For example, there's only one RP
that I like and I really, really, really like it: Special Reserve Sun Grown
The rest of 'em, in my estimation
disputed even by my friends, are overrated.
Be that as it is, here's how I rate my fumas:
1. Money is not a factor! I've
smoked some really expensive pieces of ___ and I've smoked some really
inexpensive sticks that are consistently satisfying. If you let money
dictate your preferences, it means you're as superficial as Christian posers who
think fancy buildings, big endowments, preachers with worthless degrees and
finely adorned vestments with appointed/accentuated stripes, and other
idolatries somehow equate to authenticity, substance, and satisfaction;
2. While I have never smoked
anything better than a Cohiba Behike and covet a Partagas Lusitania, give me
any Padron over any Cuban Punch or anything exported by Villager. In
other words, Habana Cuba on
the band doesn't guarantee an orgasmic oasis;
3. While fumas smoke in thirds
with each being a little to distinctly different from the preceding or
following, I have given up on any of 'em that aren't totally satisfactory
because I'm not into any part of my life being 30% turd;
4. Though some of my favorites
require massaging and an occasional hook, pick, or drill, I prefer a full and easy draw with an even
burn and get PO'ed if I have to keep reaching for ignition;
5. I've never been inclined to
masochism, sadism, or auto-suggestion; meaning if it doesn't taste good in my
mouth, through my nose, and when I'm twirling it with my tongue, it's outta
6. Ever sit next to someone with
BO? Ever have someone come forward for the sacrament with bad
breath? Ever visit an 8th grade lockerroom? Ever been to
Fisherman's Wharf? If I can't get past the smell, I ain't gonna put it in
my mouth or take a swipe at it with my tongue;
7. If you like it, who cares about
the ash? I know some folks have fetishes about ashes. Not me.
Some folks say a white ash is better than a grey or brown ash. Not
me. It's all about taste and satisfaction;
8. However, if you see white powder
on your fuma before ignition, chill out. It's O.K. It's plume or the
excretion of tobacco oils. Wipe it off and light'er up. Note Bene! If you see
a bluish stain or coloring on it, not even a condom will protect you.
Stay away from it! It's mold! Sometimes even something that's
seductive is riddled with disease;
9. Big veins or little veins don't
matter either. It's about performance;
10. Tightly packed or loosely packed
or burning too hot or not hot enough or burning too fast or not fast enough
or... See the conclusion in #9;
11. Appearance and feel and...
See the conclusion in #9; and
12. Do you want to smoke it
again and again and again? That's the real test for me; and if I do, it
gets a high rating and regular hook-ups.
I guess rating cigars is like rating
lots of things.
Again, CA has the most sophisticated
points system in my experience based on four categories: appearance/construction
(15), smoking characteristics (25), flavor (25), and overall impression (35);
yet, really, it's still a pretty subjective system.
If I want to avoid wasting too much
money when I pull out the catalogue and start coveting, I'll ask friends about
their experiences; and, occasionally, I'll go to the net and watch reviews by
Cigar Obsession and Cigar Vixen with the latter being especially, uh,
convincing as well as compelling. Their palates are far more
discriminating than mine and I've rarely been led astray by them; though,
again, the latter has moments.
There's no sure way to be sure about
a Cuban unless you try it out.
Content not cover.
But it's personal.
Some say potato, some say...
Then rate 'em for yourself.
BTW, here are my always evolving top
five favs for 2017 without reference to the Cohiba Behike or Partagas Lusitania
that I can't afford anyway:
1. Any Padron
2. Camacho Legendaria Bertha
3. Montecristo Reserva Negra
4. Macanudo Inspirado Black
5. Rocky Patel Special Reserve Sun
Alec Bradley Lost Art almost bumped
#5 after just one stick and, surprisingly, the astonishingly affordable
new Baccarat Belicoso Maduro is gaining ground, and my go-to-cook-my-own
B&B-infused Parodi is light on the wallet and heavy on the buds.
Subject: Cigar Snobs Alert from the Back Porch (11)
If you haven't read "If You Are/Know
A Cigar Snob" or have but are bummed out at the prospects of Oprah
actually becoming P in 2020 and the subsequent outlawing of fumas as the social
engineers return to power and you need some refreshment - Me too! - just go to
the 12/15/17 edition of www.koppdisclosure.com,
go to the right column (Blog Archive), and click 'er on.
Uh, no, change that!
Don't click 'er on...or you'll be
accused of something by someone...like one of Oprah's guests.
I don't know about you but those
Ashley, Gloria, and Taylor chicks really don't turn me on; unless, maybe, I was
on a deserted island for 20 years without my wife.
BTW, have you seen those photos of
Oprah making out with Harvey Weinstein?
I remember studying upokrisis (transliteration
of Greek word for hypocrisy) while working for some worthless degree
Anyway, great videos in that edition
for cigar snobs like us.
Can't understand why the best
website for news impacting modern ministry - www.churchandworld.com - didn't carry
that one because there was a lot of sneaky theology/ecclesiology/venting in
there like the last one on annual reports.
I'm starting to get the hint about
my publishing prospects.
Some recent Q&A:
Illinois: "Why don't you charge for these?" You keep asking and I keep telling you
to look at my book sales. O.K., send me some Cohiba Behikes if you're
California: "I like your recent post on humidors, but what's your
favorite strategy?" Just
throw in some Boveda packets! Check out www.cheaphumidors.com!
I think the next edition will be on
I would suggest you don't share it
with Oprah, Ashley, Gloria, Taylor, Anderson, Rachel, Dick, Tammy, Chris, Joe
Subject: Cigar Snobs Alert from the Back Porch (10)
If Santa or, uh, self were good to
you, you're going to need more space in the inn (Get it?) to store your new
While my favorite dealer is www.thompsoncigar.com where you can
always pick up a little free humidor with some box purchases, the best source/supplier
for taking good care of your babies is www.cheaphumidors.com.
www.cheaphumidors.com, a fun site
to check out on the dumbphone especially when caffeine ain't sufficient during
those insufferable clergy, council, civic, community, school
board/bored or other political assemblies, has an unmatched selection of
quality and cost-effective humidors along with lots of accessories and "how
to" videos for seasoning, setting up, and calibrating.
John Adams to Thomas Jefferson on
Congress and aforementioned kinda kin meetings: "...drudgery of
the most wasting, exhausting, consuming kind."
It may be my ghetto, but I think so
many clergy break the big ten's 1-3 and 7 because it's hard for the libido not
to wander during such mindless chatter from the ozone layer of reality with two
feet planted firmly in the air.
Anyway, if you're like me and
stockpiling fumas with ammo, H2O, and food in prep for the imminent eschaton,
you're going to need a bigger humidor for favs and at least one more
to host those candy canes so your favs aren't unequally yoked.
Uh, oh, yeah,...humidors.
A humidor is a box to store fumas in
a tropical climate.
While snobs like us prefer cedar
wood, plastic, plexiglas, freezer bags, or Tupperware and relatives will
work as long as they're sealed and have humidifying elements inside to maintain
freshness and flavor; and, again, www.cheaphumidors.com
has the best options on that with a video explaining the pros and cons of each.
70/70 is the easiest math.
You want to keep your babies cozy at
70 degrees temp and 70% relative humidity.
Of course, like palates when it comes
to ratings, you will find as much diversity on the math as H-D techs provide
for iron pony shoe air pressure.
While most folks say 65-75 is the
range for relative humidity, CA says 65-70 while I've always preferred 69.
Noting www.cheaphumidors.com has a great
selection of hygrometers to gauge relative humidity - I don't
trust those inaccurate and hard to calibrate boogers that come attached to most
boxes - you can buy 'em at most hardware stores; but go to www.cheaphumidors.com first FYI.
Getting back to humidifying
elements, everybody has their prejudices from Boveda packs to crystals to
humidity beads, humidor sticks, floral foam in those cheap plastic containers
that come with most humidors or found in funeral home and church
chancel vases, or just sticking a shot glass of distilled water in the
box while making sure that you don't piss on your puppies because you
never dampen directly unless you've got a turd and will try anything to
make it worth ignition.
Daily monitoring is the best and I
use a combination of all kinda elements to keep 'em at my preferred math; and
when I dip below or drip over the range, it's a kairos moment to take 'em all out, reshuffle,
inspect, detect, and let 'em breathe a bit.
Traveling is no problem; and whether
using a nifty travel case that you've picked up from www.cheaphumidors.com or just stuck 'em
in a freezer bag, Boveda packs are the most convenient and safest as elements
and fumas should never touch regardless of previous permission as it will
scream harassment sooner or later.
In a pinch while traveling, just
moisten a paper towel or piece of sponge or floral foam, put it in a smaller
bag without sealing it, and stick 'er in.
Prophylactics prevent disease.
Speaking of pinches, I still like
the "pinch test" when checking a shipment, buying from one of those
retail joints, or checking to see if my humidor is O.K.
Here's how to do that.
Placing the fuma between your thumb
and index finger, press slightly.
If it's Jethro Tullian thick/stiff
as a brick, it may be good for Hillary's husband yet dry and stale aka
dehydrated. You can try to bring it back to life. Good luck!
And being that Calvinists don't believe in luck, you've learned a valuable
If it's got soft spongy spots, it's
pret' near as useless and impotent as 41-44.
Here's the deal.
If you take care of 'em, they'll
take care of you.
The life of a cigar is indefinite as
long as it's stored properly.
Heaven, there are pre-Fidelians
around to die for.
While you should never end a
sentence with a preposition, you should never leave a cigar unattended.
Subject: Cigar Snobs Alert from the Back Porch (9)
First feedback edition.
Before I get to that, I was
introduced to Cuban fumas
back in the early 70s while studying in Heidelberg.
Well, I'd almost forgotten how much
I liked 'em as I bought into the self-gratifying-market-deluding sentiment
that transplanted seeds into foreign soils across the water from the island
have resulted in fumas as good
as and sometimes even
better than Cuba's most renowned export apart
from liberation theology.
It's kinda like saying, "I just
bought a new artificial plastic evergreen with real Christmas spirit because
I'm tired of taking Lassie out to look for a tree."
O.K., maybe, occasionally, rarely
close...but no, uh, cigar.
It's kinda like saying, 'Yeah, those
New Jersey Vidalia onions are just as good as the ones from Georgia."
favorite-mayor-of-all-time gave a Cohiba Behike 56 to me for Christmas and I
had an OBE with it on the way back from UW Hospital Madison on Tuesday night.
Burned my fingers to the nails!
The word awesome just doesn't quite capture the transcendence.
Don Norek - go to the archives of www.koppdisclosure.com to read up on
one of my continuing heroes - would treat me to a Cuban Cuban every once in a
while; so I wasn't completely out of the loop pero that was infrequent because he'd also pawn
off clones to moi with a wink. Sooooooo
if you can get your hands and
spirit on one of those pre-et-post Castro babies, indulge!
O.K., some feedback.
Pennsylvania: On dealing with aftertaste if you're fortunate enough to
have someone who wants to stick her/his tongue down your throat: "Bourbon
mouthwash - preferably 101 or higher." BC, Digger, and Judge have said the same thing to me.
Illinois: "You're killing me, man! And I can't believe you
are giving these away!" Nice.
Appreciate it. But have you seen my book sales? In one of the most
humiliating experiences of my life, I'm running behind the toothy guy from
Texas in sales by about ten trillion to one. Wouldn't mind a nod from
Thompson but not holding my breath except for a Cohiba Behike 56.
Pennsylvania: "Why don't you start a website like your other
webmaster Kathie is kind enough with www.koppdisclosure.com
and I don't know if this string is too, uh, masculine for, uh, broader
appeal. I mean, really, I think some of the things that you like about
CSAFTBP would get you into trouble if you ever uttered 'em in front of what, I
guess, according to professors and papers and journalists and sissy clerics and
other politicians marching to the beat of Gloria's tambourine, is the much
more fragile of the genders. Notice I said genders. From what I
hear from mainline ecclesiastical franchises and the ACLU, God remains
wrong. There are a lot more than two.
Missouri: "I've been forwarding these to friends. Is that
O.K.?" Sure. With
my fan base, beggars can't be choosers; but if you have 'em, send their
e-mail addresses to me and I'll put 'em on the first edition mailing list and
they won't have to trust your discretion. Uh, wait a second. I'll
probably be accused of some kinda harassment if I send them unsolicited.
It's happened with www.koppdisclosure.com
as cupcakes and snowflakes can't handle Jessup's assumption. So have them send their addresses to me and I'll hook
'em up. But, again, forward away! Hey, send some to Thompson and CA
but not Megyn Kelly or doe-eyed Rachel Maddog.
South Dakota: "How often are you going to send these out? I
really like them. They're better than the serious things that you
Just great. Maybe that's why my denomination won't let me speak at their
self-gratifying biennials. Not surprised. Peterson, Bright,
Ogilvie, Evans, Larson, Lovelace, Gagnon, Legvold, and...weren't 'good' enough
for 'em. I wonder if Calvin or Farel or Luther or Bullinger or Barth or
Bonhoeffer or even Paul or John or even... Per your interrogative, when I
feel like it; which usually happens when I'm tired of babysitting, refereeing,
officiating, pontificating, deliberating, consoling, consulting, defecating,
inspecting, injecting, detecting, or cleaning the restrooms and collecting the
trash while we wait for our new custodian to start.
Alabama: "I was offended by your insinuations about Alabama
in the last edition." Join
the club. I live for that. Salt. Light. Leaven.
Get it? You need to talk to my dad to figure out what I'm trying to
say. After I voted for McGovern, he said, "Son, now I know I don't
have to worry about you. You don't need drugs!" Speaking of
Ps, my favorites are 1, 16, 35, and 40 with JFK being the best because he had
much better taste in, uh, uh, uh, fumas than even, uh, uh, uh, Bubba who can be
excused because of being married to you know who and, most
important, 35 had the common sense to stock up on authentic Upmanns
when he had the chance which, of course, he did because he knew when he was
going to make sure that proletarians like moi had to study in Germany to get
'em. BTW, will someone puhhhlease teach Maxine how to pronounce
45? She reminds me of the chick who kept talking about "Eric
Clapner. I like Eric Clapner."
O.K., that's it for the first
If Santa is kinder to me than he's
been to Alabama, you should get the next edition before the 1st.
It is about Jesus, uh, you used
to know, uh, no matter what your local school board or Rahm says.
Does that guy have no shame or what?
Him criticizing anyone anywhere
about anything related to leadership is like me telling my favorite/personal
mechanic Jason how to fix the truck that I don't have.
Subject: Cigar Snobs Alert from the Back Porch (8)
Why did you put coal in Alabama's
You didn't give much of a choice to
them - creep or crook.
I would have thought you'd learned
something from the last candidates for POTUS.
The guy who won can't keep his hands
off, uh, uh, uh, Twitter and the, uh, whazzzzzzztheword, uh, uh, oh, yeah,
gal who lost is the antidote for sexual harassment.
Alabama was worse - sissy or
Allen/Brooks phallic symbol.
I guess we'll see.
Anyway, if you're not going to come
through with a Ford 150 or big plastic card to Woodstock Harley-Davidson or
Marengo Guns or box of favorite fumas, please hold off on
anything related to Crimson Ridge, A&F, Ulta, Bath and Body Works, Megyn
Kelly, or any of those restaurants hawking rabbit food for anorexics.
No books about either Obama;
though any book by Chernow, Metaxas, or Vonnegut that I haven't read
I don't want any more evolved gravy
rags aka ties. Medieval. Really, think about it. They look
stupid. Yeah, I know some women like 'em because they're so tight around
our necks and encourage that Janis Joplin song about balls and chains
and soccer moms like gayish guys more than manish ones with
closely/neatly cropped facial hair; but I don't wear 'em that much anymore
and may have even forgotten how to get that bourgeoisified dimple in there to
satisfy the fashion police.
No subscriptions, please, to news
magazines or papers. I'm so tired of the man-hater columnists who flatter
themselves into thinking anyone would want to harass 'em and, while I'm no
Trumper because the Christian in me ain't into idolatries unless it's a real
Partagas or Punch or Cohiba from Cuba , the Freudian in me suspects
guys like Robinson, Anderson, Joe, John, anyone at the NYTs and WP and Time and
Newsweek and MSNBC and most local rags, et.al. have insatiable man-crushes on
Really, isn't that what's
fashionable in America these days?
It slays me to admit this; but
maybe that's among the myriad of maddening reasons why Muslims like America
about as much as bacon-topped pork tenderloins.
I can buy my own underwear and
I eat too much as it is.
I've got enough of that.
If You're not coming up with one of
those Animal House "Thank You, God!" serendipities, how about a Mary
moment in the true spirit of the season: "And Mary kept all these things;
pondering them in her heart"?
Yeah, I'd like that.
I'd just like time to sit on
the back porch and think about Jesus and who He is and what He has done for us
and our salvation by grace through faith.
That's really enough for me.
Time off and alone with Jesus.
Of course, if you've got an extra
Partagas Lusitania and bottle of B&B in that sack while I'm sitting on
Subject: Cigar Snobs Alert from the Back Porch (7)
Fuma aftertaste is not bad breath.
Pero, of course, that may be hard to explain to somebody who just
stuck her...uh, whoa, geez,
gulp, gasp, sigh, uh, uh, uh...or his tongue in your mouth.
Frankly, after too much marital and
post-marital psychospiritualtherapy for too long, I've reached the conclusion
that the challenge cited in the previous sentence-paragraph is about as common
as veracity in government, media, education, entertainment, jurisprudence,
and, alas, too
many churches where it seems too many pulpiteers and pewsitters have forgotten Christianity is
about, uh, Jesus.
Be that as it is, there are exceptions to the rule; and while exceptions to
the rule are called exceptions
to the rule because they occur so infrequently that they are called
exceptions to the
rule, I will assume there are some cigar snobs who know somebody who wants to
stick her/his tongue in their mouths without dealing with an aftertaste that
they not us find
Parenthetically, one of the graces
for cigar snobs like us of not having anyone interested in sticking
her/his tongue in our mouths is savoring the aftertaste of a righteous
Pero, again, if you do have somebody who wants to stick her/his tongue
in your mouth après a fuma but doesn't like the aftertaste and you want to do
something about it so she/he will stick her/his tongue in your mouth, here are
Garlic works yet presents a whole
set of new challenges.
Hydrogen peroxide kinda works; and it's cheap
with the down side being bleaching tongue hairs.
Gum, mints, parsley, lemons,
oranges, cranberries, kiwi, marshmallow chicks, chunky peanut butter, gross
smelling cheeses, and tablespoons of sugar kinda
work but lose their effectiveness as quickly as monologues by
Rachel, Anderson, Nancy, Chelsea, or Sean.
Flossing kinda helps.
Baking soda, in my opinion, is kinda the best; as long as
you brush the roof of your mouth, gums, tongue, under the tongue, inside the
cheeks, teeth, down your throat, tonsils if still hanging in, and everywhere
else within reach. Then gargle!
Notice I qualified each suggestion
The preceding hypothetical solutions
only minimize aftertaste.
The only way to eliminate aftertaste
is to do lots of the above, shower, and sleep it off; knowing cigar snobs will
start all over again in a few hours after the alarm sounds.
Truth is a righteous fuma leaves an
aftertaste that cigar snobs savor while others abhor.
Subject: Cigar Snobs Alert from the Back Porch (6)
Q: "How do you know if you've
sucked down a righteous fuma?"
A: "Aside from the serene soul
OBE via an oasis apart from life's meanness, madness, misery, and
miscreance, your thumb, index, and middle fingers will start burning as you
hold out for the last draw of the heavenly dispensation, baking soda will be
put on hold, and you'll run to the can for a completely cleansing dump."
Or something like that.
It starts with lighting it.
First things first.
Dogs are bitten and cigars are
After clipping off the cap only and not slicing into the body with
your favorite cutter - I like a double-bladed guillotine but carry a punch for
box/square-pressed favs - there are several options for ignition.
When they're working, I prefer
butane-filled lighters. They're odorless, colorless, quick, complete, and
conclusive. Buuuuuuut notice
I said I prefer them when
they're working. Coupled with shopping for fuel and fueling
up and carrying around more crap than convenient, they are fickle and tend not
to work on cold days which is a challenge in areas like the northern stateline
of Illinois during our 7-9 months of winter.
Zippo fluid-filled lighters are the
coolest. How about that sound when you open and close 'em?
Awesome! As long as they're filled and the flints are fresh, they're more
reliable than their butane brothers. Buuuuuuut
ya gotta buy fluid and ya gotta have extra flints and lighter fluid
can, on occasion if you're not careful, taint the first puff or three with the
same chemical taste that ruins burgers flavored with charcoal and, uh, lighter
Paper matches work; buuuuuuut, again, they have
chemical additives that sometimes sneak into the first or third draw annnnnnnd they're short and
tend to burn your fingers before they light your fuma.
Wooden matches, especially for snobs
like us, are the best! Classic, consistent, not corrupted following the
nano-second of combustion, cheap, and available at your nearest dollar store.
Don't put the cigar into the flame!
With gentle puffs, draw the heat
from the flame into the cigar!
It will take a few seconds longer
but will result in an entire ring-size glow for a smooth and even
BTW, Thompson's December 2017 snail-mail-hard-copy-best-potty-reading-ever
catalogue has one of the best deals ever for one of my standards and one about
to crack the top five. Their "Double Down" offer, pairing two
premiums at discounted prices, is featuring, among many other worthy selections,
a Montecristo Reserva Negra and Macanudo Inspirado Black combo for under
$40. O.K., that's $.05 under $40 yet it's a superb opportunity for cigar
snobs like us.
Subject: Cigar Snobs Alert from the Back Porch (5)
Being snobs doesn't mean we have to
That's for clergy and other
Preferences come to mind.
Preferences for cigar snobs are as
diverse as detailing iron ponies for road warriors.
One man's treasure is another man's
For example, have you ever smoked a
CA 90+ rated stick and thought it was a White Owl?
Point is palates are diverse.
Recently, I went through it again.
I've never been a big RP guy; but his Sun Grown Maduro ain't
Then there's Macanudo.
Never been a fan.
Ever since I smoked my first in
1969, I've thought they're as overrated as the Dallas Cowboys and Notre Dame.
But then Deadeye lit up a Macanudo
Inspirado White pour moi. It's pretty mild but a quite pleasurable smoke
for any time of the day.
Then, as part of my wife's
anniversary gesture, Leslie talked to Thompson about my history
and ordered 5 Macanudo Inspirado Blackies that leave one of the best
aftertastes ever. While I'm still saving up for another box of Padron
7000s, I may get a box of MIBs if Santa is good to me.
So don't be stupid even if you're a
Don't buy unless you're convinced;
but try if, uh, you know, someone springs for ya.
Subject: Cigar Snobs Alert from the Back Porch (4)
Because I'm a cigar snob, I've never
been into clones, seconds, or kindas.
When I think of that kinda
stuff, I think of metrics and Beemers and Triumphs and Victories that
will never be H-Ds; or I think of self-gratification which, uh, well,
Anyway, my wife is starting to catch
on; and though she hasn't bought a truck for me or stopped joining my mom on
the helmet thing which Digger says has the only benefit of casket appearance,
she's ordering Cubans pour moi on important occasions.
She even gets a Thompson catalogue
in her own name delivered to the house!
For our recent anniversary, she got
some of those new R&Js noted below along with another 5-packer that's O.K.
but wasn't listed by me annnnnnnnd,
after consulting with Thompson's, she got a bundle of No. 99
After an early morning meeting with
Adam and Brian that included my "any of 'em" favorite listed below, I
headed to a meeting in Davenport, Iowa to hook up with Hans of www.churchandworld.com for
fraternity and forecasting.
I took along a No 99 and was stunned
by a very decent smoke highlighted by a subtle sweetness not nearly as
overpowering as anything from Drew Estate, easy draw (lit once), and consistent
pleasure until the last inch that reminded me of some overrated RPs.
So I investigated.
While I haven't been able to figure
out who's throwin' 'em out, it's a premium producer who doesn't like the
"uneven coloring" on the wrapper; ergo, it doesn't pass quality
control and gets thrown out for us to pick up at unreally low prices from
BTW, it's a Churchill and lasted for
two hours...before the last inch.
It's my new lawnboy, hunter, snow
bro, and maybe even occasional...
Subject: Cigar Snobs Alert from the Back Porch (3)
Packed pony at Digger's yesterday.
With no more golf with Billy until
the thaw, no truck, and no pony, my relaxations/refuelings are limited to
cellular prayer and Cubans.
Of course, I'm not into opium dens
or thick-clouded-suffocating stick lounges with unavoidable alien fragrances;
ergo, I've learned to bundle up and back porch it more than less though less
than three seasons.
Having, uh, vented, here are a few
suggestions for winter that, in our neck of the woods, should be over in
less than seven months.
Unless you're cheating on your wife
- "No, honey, I don't spend more than $10 a month on Cubans and you can't
believe how much money I save when ordering from Tampa!" - or screwing the
IRS - they deserve it - you
need some inexpensive though surprisingly tasty smokes while cutting leaves and
tuning up the snowblower.
Thompson is running a great deal on
one of my favorite lawnboys: Quorum Double Gordo with an Ecuador-Sumatra
wrapper. You can get a bundle of 20 for $55.80 with the added bonus of a
Thompson Cigar 100th Anniversary Hat which is very cool. Got one!
It really annoys the PC social engineering sissy leftists when you wear it
at the mall and especially Barnes and Nobles or a clergy meeting. It's a
good 90 minute oasis.
I'm not going to be distracted from
my favorites (scroll down) while fulfilling honey-do stuff; but Quorum isn't
bad during such times; and if your yard/driveway/whatever takes longer than 90
minutes, you can always tag on my favorite quick Cuban via Kentucky, Tennessee,
and Scranton, Pennsylvania: Parodi! They're good for 30 minutes; and
especially good if I've cooked some for you with my special B&B recipe.
Remember, time your Cubans
by gauge and length and brand so you don't waste 'em.
Size does matter.
One more thing.
Unless you're a total geek, forget
cyberspace and call Thompson at 800-237-2559 for the best
potty-reading-break-the-10th-commandment cigar catalogue on the market.
The new R&J 1875 Anniversario
Maduro, available in boxes and part of Thompson's 5-Pack Fever offerings,
has moved into my top 5 along with any Padron, Montecristo Reserva Negra, Punch
Gran Puro Natural, and Camacho Legendaria Bertha (can't understand why Thompson
doesn't carry this one as it carries all of my other favorites at spectacular
prices and special care in handling/mailing).
Really, while I imbibed my first
just last night, it is really, really, really off the charts in subtle tastes,
easy full draw, and lasting pleasure; except, my wife said she could smell it foruhever.
Treat yourself before the eschaton!
I expect it to be my next box
purchase which should occur prior to the parousia.
Blessings and Love!
Wake up! Look up! Stand up! Speak up! Act up for Jesus! Shatter the sound of silence! Salt! Shine! Leavenate!